The Resident Bureaucrat's one-sided trans-uterine conversations with the baby:
"Baby*, father caught a cockroach just now."
(Father? What are we, in the 18th century?
"Better than saying 爹and 娘", says Ms C.)
"Violence is prohibited."
(Said when the baby kicks.)
"Baby, it's midnight now, can you please sleep? You make me very scared, you know."
(I did point out to the Resident Bureaucrat that it's certainly not helping the baby's sleep pattern to have someone talking to him every day at midnight, is it?)
"Baby, father ask you to sleep, why don't you sleep? See, now your mother is scolding me because you don't want to sleep. If you don't want the both of us to get scolded, can you go to sleep now?"
"Baby, father is going to sleep now. Father is very tired from working."
"Baby, next time we go and play soccer together, but we bluff your mother say we go and revise homework okay?"
(See, this is the kind or person I married.)
Things I say to the baby:
"Baby, your father is going to dance Indian dance**"."
*Imagine the identity crisis the baby would have when he realises his name is not really Baby, but something else.
**The Resident Bureaucrat and a few other colleagues have been arrowed by the powers-that-be at work to perform an Indian dance on their staff night, presumably solely for the amusement of the other non-dancing colleagues.
The dance involves a choreographer and real Indian costumes and a proposed three practice sessions of 2 hours each. Don't pray pray hor.
It has been suggested that the Resident Bureaucrat aka Shah Rukh Khan hurry up and volunteer to be a tree, which is way better than having to dance but he didn't get around to doing it, for reasons best known to himself. So dance, he will.
I have been trying to wrangle an invitation to the staff night, but have been flatly turned down. I hope someone YouTubes it for posterity.